You're reading the special April Fools' Day, 2008, edition of The Watcher.

The Office of Foreign Assets Control (OFAC) announced its first posthumous designation of a terrorist on April 1, placing Clara Barton of Civil War fame on its list of Specially Designated Global Terrorists. The unusual action came after OFAC Internet search engines discovered that Barton had aided Confederate soldiers during the war. A press release noted, "The Confederacy was clearly a terrorist organization. And our laws prohibiting material support for terrorists must be strictly enforced. While medical supplies are exempted from the ban, medical services are not. In addition, the National Park Service has verified that Ms. Barton also provided food and water to the wounded." Barton spent three years nursing soldiers in Virginia and South Carolina, conflict areas with a high level of Confederate infiltration of the civilian population. She continued her pattern of indiscriminate humanitarian aid by forming the American Red Cross in 1881, which became associated with the infamous International Red Cross and Red Crescent movement, whose Code of Conduct "clearly violates the U.S. ban on transactions with those unfortunate enough to live in conflict areas, regions controlled by terrorists, or have a second cousin twice removed who belongs to Hamas," according to a government source.